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April 27th, 2005

02:12 pm: Note to self:

Don't listen to The Bends.

It doesn't work, unless you are seeking out new (or old) and interesting ways of courting deep-seated misery. Lovely album, top notch, one of my favourites ever. But not for *listening to*. No good can ever come of this.

April 5th, 2005

11:18 am: Everything feels hopelessly, irredeemably dirty today. Everything too messy, too much. There is too much of everything, too much of me, and I don't know where to begin.

I asked for my fairy godmother last night. Then I drank green tea and I did some yoga. I performed my ablutions properly and saw the end of a makeover program that reminded me to moisturise, moisturise, moisturise. I'm going to be old before mt time; I should make the effort. I suppose I always was old before my time. Maybe now I'm catching up with it.

This mornign I went to the shops to buy some basic supplies. I can't be trusted to shop in the evenings any more. I have some basics in work now, that I need to stick to. Safe things.

I don't know where to start. I don't know how anything begins.

I have 31K words written. I should be happier about that. I should be working on that instead of paralysing myself.

January 7th, 2005

10:15 am: 137

Yesterday wasn't a fluke. Now I feel like today is. I don't see any difference from yesterday - the little poochy belly continues its existance unhindered by my efforts.

I had a slice of tart for breakfast yesterday instead of my fruit. My good and proper lunch. A bowl of soup and a little bit of low cal bread in the evening before going to the cinema.

137 today.


But it's Friday, and Fridays always worry me, because it's the weekend and there's a sense of entitlement. In december, we went out dancing every saturdy night, and that kept me from feeling sorry for myself as well as giving me additional motivation to keep from b/p-ing on a friday night (want to look slim as possible in my party clothes). And this weekend? Nothing. Some friends want to watch a film and get chinese food. Huh. I don't really want to. I want to dance and get drunk. I don't want social conditions to excuse me sitting on my ass eating food. Frankly, if I'm to do that, I'd probably rather do it by myself than with these people.


I want to be 3lb less than this next week. I am going out dancing next Saturday. I want to be 3lb less.

I presume it's now going to plateau a bit. I really wasn't expecting a drop today; I can't imagine anything producing another tomorrow. I would like to see 136 on Monday morning. I would like to eat reasonably well over the weekend and get lots of exercise and walking in. I would like to completely rid myself of the sugar in my system; that will take a few days yet. I want to start exercising more rigorously - the way things are going, I could get to 126lb and still be horribly flabby.

I'm being so good about looking after my skin. I'm moisturising my body every night. I'm trying to take care of myself. That needs to extend to eating the right foods, to nourishing myself from the inside.

This weekend I will stock up on veggies and fruit. I need to make sure I'm getting lots of protein and vegetables.

July 1st, 2004

04:50 pm: It's a funny idea to me that anyone might read this, but I suppose I have often followed odd websites and I have rarely if ever left a message behind me. If anyone does follow these random ramblings, then my apologies, but this journal will be kept private for the foreseeable future while I deal with things that I would sooner deal with quietly.

June 21st, 2004

03:31 pm: Heart has not been in it today....not entirely sure how I kept away from such things as toffee muffins at lunch. Ate my salad and bought a diet coke and pretty much had to sit on my hands. Although this morning, at tea break, I accepted other people's delicious cooking instead of saying a firm 'no thank you.' I feel a bit more into it now. I want to see what I look like tomorrow, the next day. That could be something worth seeing.

July 9th, July 9th, July 9th.

Want to be thin already. Want to be going home in cool clothes, getting gasps of admiratiron and amazement. Want to be me. Want to be happy. Want to look good.

Last year I was such a mess. I feel I owe it to her to look better for this year. She suffered and she fought. I promised her so much. I promised that girl in 2000 so much, that some day she would be finished and she would have money and success, that she would be happy. I feel like they, those two in particular, will be there that day, and I want them to see what I've become, what I can be. I want to have told them the truth, that it's all worthwhile.

So I will count every calorie and make it mean something.

09:53 am: Wouldn't call it a good weekend, no, not by a long shot. I was good, very good during the days, and oh-so-bad at night. Fed up with this. Too many years. Have to get it out of my blood, and I've no idea if I ever will.

On positive side, saw 148 on the scales, and feel like I did at about my slimmest this year. Things are fitting. Feel significantly different to last monday, for example. I wore my old grey trousers yesterday, with a big black jumper to hide the line, but it felt good. It really did. I tried on my old green combats this morning, and yeah....I want to be her again.

Is that why I'm back in 2000 now? Strangeness.

Booked an appointment to get my hair highlighted. Wow. Feel really wierd about that. But next saturday I'm going to be blonde. Ha! Feel weirdly excited at the thought.

This week I'm going to try and concentrate on money, and not wasting it. Will have nice massage on saturday, maybe, if I am good between now and then?

Boss isn't in, so I'm going to try and print out book today. Need to start having a read of it, with pen in hand. It's not goign to stay at 51.5 k words, that much I know. There's a story in there, even if it is just written by me.

And yes, I look good today. Wearing a white jumper that reminds me of being fashionable. I will look better in 7,8,9,10,14 lb time. I need to decide on this. Need to believe it. Because I'm back at the point where it's hard not to say, 'well see now, I look okay. I could have a little treat....'

June 18th, 2004

04:04 pm: Every bloody day I've thought at least once, 'oh, I could just....' and then I've remembered how few days are left. That number is now 20. When I get in here on monday morning it will be 18. So that's all there is to it. It's kept me on track thus far.

I need to stay on that track for 20 more days. I've been on for 11, more or less.

11:23 am: 95% of those who lose weight gain it back within blah blah blah.

And yes, I could look at the world that way, but I never much have. Like oh so very many things, it's a choice too.

From the time I turned 20 and discovered, with equal parts delight and amazement and bewilderment that i was in fact neither bad looking nor fat, from the time that I *got* what people were saying when they admired my figure, because they were looking at the whole picture not just my thighs, my weight has yo-yo'd. Up in May/June of 98, down, down, down for the rest of the year. Up after xmas, and steadily climbing until I was a size 14 by the end of 99. Crashing down through 2000, as much in sympathy with my mood as with health. Up and down ever since.

But I have never regarded myself as the person who keeps regaining what she lost. I see myself as the person who loses weight any time she puts it on. The difference is incredible, if semantic. The turning point was when I decided that what I was was a slim person. From then on, that notion has stayed with me, even through last year, the year of 178lb, probably almost 4 stone higher than when I first found some body-confidence. 'Home' is slim. If i hit 133 lb in August, if I dance with the joy of it and then celebrate with chocoltes and regain 7 lb of it by October, I know that I will lose it again. There's no question in my mind of that. Is this a useful and productive use of resources? Um, no. But ultimately, 'I' am the slim girl. Don't know what made me think of that this morning, or why it feels like a comfort, a positive thing, but it is.

There is chocolate in the fridge, where my fruit salad is. This is more complicated than I had hoped.

I want my lunch-salad. I want it now. Going to have nice, short day in work, go home and watch BB. That shouldn't seem positive either, but it is. Sigh. There's so much more than food that's dragging me back. If I was serious I would turn the TV of for this weekend. I would go to the gallery tomorrow, as I would have 3 years ago. I'd be using the internet to discover art.

Why not write it here, where I can be reminded later on - this week I've wanted a boyfriend again. It's been a while since I've felt that way, and it can sometimes be a symptom of depression, a wanting to cling to something. But I have. I can't imagine doing it, not really. I'm surer of that now than a few years back. I'm too hard to live with, and what it comes down to is that I have been better on my own this year than I was with people I love last year. I can't imagine asking someone to put up with the disaster zone that is my mood changes. There you go. That's what I've been thinking about this week.

09:55 am: I was close. I really was.

I think I always will be.

Sitting in a meeting, with slabs of chocolate being passed around and taking one. Savouring the melt-in-the-mouth perfection of the thing. Then accepting a piece of cake that I had no business to be accepting, and eating the whole bloody thing. But not just that, not just the taking or the eating, but the rising blood, the urge of desperation, the voices pounding in my head, saying, 'what can we have next, how can we get more, what will we eat tonight?' and I almost answered them, almost gave in. But I didn't. Somehow. Although I did nab an extra piece of chocolate on my way out.

By the time I went home I was calm, I could walk around food shops without panic attack. I could plan what fruit and veg I need for this weekend.

I went for a walk then, after a sandwich and a chocolate drink, and I bought £10 worth of fresh food. Made up a huge chicken salad and a fruit salad to bring to work today. Scrubbed myself, washed my hair, did a clothes wash. Cleaned the kitchen. Tried to set thing up for this weekend. I think I may be doing more in the way of soup than salads, but that's okay. The weather has turned again, but I do not miss the heat.

I had fruit, lots of fruit for breakfast, and I have a pear and some mandarins in case I'm snackish. I'm already sipping my detox drink, made for the first time ever with spring water instead of tap water.

I really want to do this. I want to see what I might have managed if i had accomplished this part properly in 2002.

3 days of good health, body and mind. That's the plan.

I look good today. My 14s that I bought 3 weeks ago are hanging loose. I look better than I have of late. I want to look better yet on Monday morning. I could remember with vivid clarity what it felt like to be slim, as I walked to work this morning. I could *feel* it. I want it back. I want it more than food.

June 17th, 2004

11:08 am: Very much with the tired at the moment. Tired and down. I don't want to feel like this.

I've stayed good, even though last night I couldn't much see the point. The weight loss is slow, slower than what I would expect - I'm hovering around 150-151. I just had a chicken salad with lots of cherry tomatoes and sundried tomato and pickles. Then went for my walk (short) at 9pm and had a ww yogurt when I came back.

It's more frustrating because I have *bloody* done this already. No new uncharted ground. No, 'wow, this is the lowest I've been in 2 years'. No, this instead is still 5 lb higher than when I was at home during easter. And that's demoralising. That makes it all the tougher. If I was fighting my way down below 140 it would be different.

I have just had a thought though. Perhaps I need something nice. Something to give me a boost. Perhaps I should book a clarins massage for saturday, even though I don't like the idea of looking like this for it. I want to do the fresh fruit and veg thing for the weekend, but I'm not sure how easy it would be to stick with it in my current state. Funny - I was a bit like this, this time 4 years ago. Hmm. Binge on fruit, drown the misery, shed the pounds.

Or I can cinema, rent a film or two. Buy other things for the price of the massage that may not make me feel anything as uncomfortable.

I need the confidence to book a hair appointment too. Why should I need so much confidence to do that? Strange but true.

Tomorrow three weeks. So - 22 days. Eyes on the prize. And the simple truth is that in 22 days I can be below my lowest weight this year. In 22 days I can do almost anything. I only have to want it enough.

22 days is *less* than what I did in 2001, that's the simple reality. I need to locate and firmly fasten my motivation, my goals around me, and I need to concentrate on this. One of the other reasons that it's getting me down is that I'm sacrificing writing for this. I can't do both, I wish I could. Every diet for the last 2 years has been abandoned in the end for writing. And this one will be too, of course it will. But this one is staying until I am 137 lb.

First 10 lb, then a stone. How could that defeat me?

I need, however, to stay off the scales - not a good idea to be on them too often. No more weighing until sunday morning.

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