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June 16th, 2004

04:33 pm: I have to remind me. I have to remember.

It's very close to slipping out of my grasp. Very near.

I'm hot and itchy and hay-fever-ridden, and I have to remind myself that I cried last night and that that might mean something.

I'm hot and irritable and I'm so very sure that food would fix that. And then M suggested we go for ice-cream and I needed to get out of here so badly that I tagged along. So an ice cream sandwich, low-ish cals. But it didn't fix me and i wanted more. I took a diet fanta and packet of low fat walkers. Dammit. Now I'me very full, and I realise that the drink would have been enough. Nevermind. I have stopped now, and I did as little harm as I could have. Perhaps I need to think about the detox drink after all for this weekend.

I just want to sleep.

Of course, I'm not writing, and 70% of the problem lies there - not writing = irritable. Hayfever = irritable.

The world's going to behave for me now. Want to buy loads of fruit and veg for the weekend. Actually, should do a thurs night to mon morning detox. Fruit and veg and chicken and seafood. And that's it. Period. So a binge could only be a plate of prawns or some salmon. Monday evening, add brown rice, tuesday day add brown bread. I liek this. This could work.

I want things that are not ood to be important. Really I do. But when that happens, I eat diabolical food and gain weight and lose health. So where lies the answer, huh?

Yeah, I'm better now. It's okay. Will have a long walk and a salt scrub this evening and get loads of sleep.

10:49 am: So. Full week ahead with only me and my diet - and hopefully no appalling distractions now. No excuses. No more parties and lunches and dinners out.

Starting at 150lb. Want to lose 10lb. Haven't I said that before?

Considered getting a detox mix drink to help keep me on target, but I almost feel that I shouldn't need it. I'm eating right, I'm drinking my water, I'm staying on target. I don't feel like I'm hanging on, white-knuckled. Am I tempting fate?

What I could do is a total detox weekend, especially if the weather is warm enough. I feel like my appetite is coming under control, so perhaps I wouldn't be too hungry if I did a weekend with mainly fruit and veg? On the other hand, I'd probably be better if I make an effort of do an aerobics class instead.... I'll see nearer the time. I could buy the three day detox drink on Thurs night, and have it on Friday; have salad for lunch, and WW soup and salad in the evening, which would be cleansing and low in cals. Then as much fruit as I can eat over the weekend, loads of veggies, in salad and soup, and start the week feeling, just maybe, less like a very tired dish-rag.

Veneers only cost £295, it seems like that just might be remotely do-able, for the first time. Got the revolting impressions taken. There's something that will make you never want to eat again: had to practice yoga breathing to keep from vomiting. If I hadn't been nice, earlier in the year, I could do it without worry. As it is, I will talk to the nice man on monday week and assess my options.

I am going to get my hair done. I *am*. I just want to be different. Someone else. The sort of person who can chose her image, and look like someone else. Blonde stripes, crazy curls. Why not?

Yes, and I cried last night, for the first time in a long time - lay my head against the shower wall and bawled. I worry. I do. I don't know what's coming, I'm scared it won't be good. It doesn't help when it's almost impossible to find something nice to wear on a night out, when in the end you revert to the jeans you've worn all day. I'm almost sure that's the opening line to a book, although possibly not one that's been written yet.

June 15th, 2004

09:05 am: So then. Getting places: 10/10 on the scales this morning, with a glimpse of 10/9 for good measure. That after the hilton lunch, at which I ate as well as I could have hoped: salad and seafood for starter, meat and couscous for main and only fruit for desert. Then it was so hot that I had no appetite last night: really didn't want to eat anything. Went for a long walk and had cold drinks, and today I feel like I skipped a meal. Bit tired, but not hungry. Yes, this is the zone - I'm always a little scared of it, because afetr a while, ie now, food becomes a distraction and an irrelevance; eating becomes an effort. But this is for health and well-being as well as fitting into trousers, soI will be good and keep eating healthily. Would kill for my juicer right now - to have just juice morning and evening, and a normal lunch would be perfect.
3 lb by next wed seems perfectly reasonable - that to bring me to 10/7, and then that gives me 2 weeks and 2 days to get to 10 stone. Oh, wow. I can do this. I know I can. The only setback will be going to London for a weekend, where I can't eat as I want or exercise as I want. But that won't stop me, oh no.

Re read some of HP book 5 last night - not as good as I remember. Ce la vie.

Goign out *again* tonight. The world mocks my dieting. Will have salad and diet coke and then do salsa dancing. Twill all be good.... But before then there is birthday cake and some sweet italian wine that we all apparently must try. I'm a bit cross with the emphasis on food when I feel so above it all - this always happens, I know, but it's frustrating. I want 7 days in a row without this nonsense of having to navigate around other peoples' celebrations.

I miss my exercise bike - I was seriously thinking about buying trainers and signing up for the gym yesterday, although I might well kill myself in this heat. Better to stick with the walking in the evenings, I think. I'd like a slightly longer walk though - about an hour or so, rather than the 45-50 mins currently.

June 14th, 2004

08:47 am: Big work day ahead. Have new incentive to watch myself and what I eat at lunch time - cool new digital scales which for some reason I want to be good for. Blah - they seem to be a lb or two higher than the old ones at home - they say I am 10/12. Maybe I am. Want to see 10/7 by end of next week - should be achieveable.

June 11th, 2004

05:29 pm: Why couldn't I be facing a Really Dull Weekend? Why does it have to be Social Capital of the year? Why could that not have waited a little while, even a week?

I suspect it may be better this way, because I am more likely, ironically enough, to fight for my right to get slim than fight for my right to stay slim. If by next week I was partying in my black trousers, I'd be more likely to splurge a bit.

Been good again, all day, and plan to be good this evening. I suppose I can't speak for tomorrow, but I certainly don't plan to be bad, and I'm thinking aqua aerobics is go for the afternoon.

Don't feel like I'm going to be derailed, but then again, I can't entirely imagine sittign at a bbq, or in the Hilton, and still having to make the right choices. I've been making lots of them though, down to 'no thanks, I won't have a muffin' this afternoon, so maybe I just need to take in one choice at a time.

This afternoon I thought, wow, exactly 28 days til G-day. Have to make every one of them count.

11:27 am: I feel a bit smaller already. Should begin to see something tomorrow - four days is usually enough to get rid of binge weight, etc. I'm so completely ready to just do this. I'm in that place where I don't want to take one day at a time: my head is on right and I want to tackle 3 or 4 days together! Lol, am insane.

Actually am insane - bought Roc modelling stuff yesterday. It's lovely to use, but don't know if I really expect to see results. On the other hand, do expect results from diet and exercise so either way, will look better this day four weeks.

28 days later. Hmm.

Went home via shops last night so I went for an extra walk (40 mins or so) at 8.30 and bought a magazine and soup and stuff. Starting to feel it all today - I'm already ravenous, and it's an hour til lunch. But it's only hunger, it's not craving, and hunger is so very dealable with when your mind is fixed on something else.

Going to buy digital scale as a measure of my seriousness. The thing I have is complete crap. If I'm doing this I'd like to do it well, and get all the benefits, one of which ought to be watching the numbers get smaller. Have suspicion that I could be 147 by next week, leaving 3 weeks to get below 10 stone. I can do that. That would make all the difference.

Have been fixating on dress, but starting now to think how well everything else will look on me too. Oh god, I could be fashionable again :D

Of course, 3 weeks after G-day is holidays, so it would be very nice to actually reach my goal weight by then. I think I could, if I can keep my head together and not binge for 4 days at home. Goals to the forefront of my mind. 31 day makeover first, then worry about holidays!

Thinking I will come to work over weekend. It would keep me out of the house, where my mind could wander from where it shoudl be, and would give me a chance to get some writing done. Will see tomorrow. Have to watch matchstick men, and one film that's out this week looks good.

I keep trying to work out how much I've lost in four weeks before, me and my super-fantastik metabolism (when I'm not making it cry) - I think a stone is about right. A stone from 152-154 brings me to where I need to be to look confident and happy on July 9th, and 3 weeks after that before I see the skinny people :) All deeply doable.

God, I'm going to be me again.

Because this time I'm not interesting in stopping or easing off when I get to 144 or so, waiting a few weeks and gaining again. This time is different. Ah yes, every diet is the last..

June 10th, 2004

05:51 pm: I feel full. I should be completely starving, clawing the furniture by now. Huh. Had my s o j after lunch, which I felt bad about because I was not completely ravenous, just munchy, and then my 2nd sandwich at 4, and I've had my 2L of water already (will have more when I get home.) Huh. So, all in all, v good day so far. And I don't feel like anything sabotage-y is going to happen, other than to my bank account on the way home. I could buy Roc stuff if I resisted EA, right?

Late night shoping and my presentation is almost sort of ready-ish for tomorrow. ie, I can work at it when I come in.

This Zone thing is surreal. Competely focussed on what I need to eat and when, rather than wanting or craving or *anything*. The crossest I've been with myself was eating the s o j a little bit early when I didn't need to. So now: more walking, some stretching at home, and a light dinner.

Turns out we have to go out on Sat night too.....waaaaah! Will have to do the aaqua aerobics that night so. Going ouot is problemsome. I can see myself being quite good at the bbq on Sunday, if the present state of mind holds (which I only add in a touching wood sense, I'm pretty sure that it will), but going out is *hard*. I like drinking far too much to just sit back and have a diet coke.

How I look on J 9th is more important than what I eat today. Just have to keep telling myself that. Reallt want to buy proper scales......

09:59 am: If it looks like the zone and t feels like the zone, is it the zone? Oh, how I have missed this.

Have laser-like focus now, or so it seems right now. Had two good days in a row, and yesterday my goal just seemed so incredibly clear that the thought of sabotaging it with so much as an extra snack just seemed daft. 29 days til G-day. I will do this. Walked for 50 mins home last night, had soup and bread and watched makeover TV programs, and then went to Tesco (another 30 min walk) to get much needed groceries. Want to have salmon and brown rice over the weekend, I have a craving for that at the moment.

Probably won't be able to do as much walkign tonight, so have to be all the more careful with food because of it.

Everything I eat is a choice, I just have to have a good think before I shove anything in my mouth, and remember my dress.

I really want to splurge on Elizabeth Arden 3 for 2 in Boots, but it seems drastically wrong when I want to eat into my savings this month for teeth stuff. Hmm. I can't be good in every area, right?

Book is on temporary hold. I need my focus elsewhere, and its current location is working for me. I'm not giving up, but the weightloss has a genuine, unmoveable deadline, so it takes priority for now.

June 9th, 2004

09:36 am: So I have a Day One Done.

Thank the freakin' gods. I went to aqua aerobics, having had my snack o jacks, and I gave it all I had - was exhausted by the end, and very red of face. Walked home and watched the Angel finale (of which the least said the better) while munching celery and gulping cranberry juice. Of course, I found I had left my homemade dip out of the fridge so it was ruined - had to use WW cheesepread as a dip instead, which still wasn't much worse, calorie-wise. Did the washing and had half of it dry by this morning. Am currently possessor of clean house with washign drying all over the place. Did try to go through my wardrobe, but there's so muh good stuff there I I can't wear yet that doing a proper clear out seems futile. But I'm making a pile of things htta have to go, even if I love them, even if they look good on me. Raggy is not a good look. But the turquise stretch top that I bought second hand in 2000 has to go. It has threads hanging out of it. Repeat after me: raggy is not a good look. (Unless it is in jeans, and done deliberately).

After all that, was insanely hungry this morning - still am, after branflakes and more cranberry juice. This is Day Two of the 31 Day makeover plan. Have all my day's food with me - now just have to responsibly divide it up over the day ahead and not start wanting extras.

Was thinking how cool it would be to go home skinny and with my hair highlighted. The dress is staying oout in full view where I can try it on every night. I'm going to wear it on the 9th, and the damn thing is going to look good on me.

I think I'll try to get back to aqua aerobics on Saturday. Next week is going to be a test of *eeverything* - expensive ompany lucnh out on Monday, Birthday meal out on Tuesday night. The dieting gods are testing me, or maybe just mocking me. That said, if I am still going strong on sunday I should be able to get through those two days. And the barbeque on Sunday while watching football, which would seem to suggest beer. Fuck. This is going to involve pots and pots of willpower. But when I started this in January I didn't let the need to socialise derail me. Day four or so of that campaign involved indian takeaway and chocolate cake in a friend's house, and there was a birthday meal in the midst of it too....

It all just depends how I handle it. I think the things coming up make it all the more important that I immerse myself in the plan these first four days, establish in my mind that this is indeed what I am aiming for over the next 31 (now 30) days.

I changed myself a lot in Feb 2000. I changed myself completely in 3 weeks in 2001.

Let this be the diet that works.

Every diet is the last every book is the first, and if I did no writing last night, then let it be in a noble cause!!

June 8th, 2004

04:17 pm: I think this could be day one. No, not think: know. After the birthday cake disaster of a beginning to the day I have been doing well, and haven't been hungry. Have now had my snack, and left the snack o jacks for tomorrow, since I ate too much this morning anyway. Having a serious detox evening, I have decided. I nice long walk home now that the weather isn't so oppressive, light supper, a litre of cranberry juice, green tea and yoga.

It's the knowledge that I can't waste another day, that I can't faff about with silly would-be plans and throw another week away, and then another week after that trying to re-find motivation. I have to do it, with or without the motivation. I will not look like shit on the 9th. In any case, by the time I come back from that I have to go on holidays, still needing not to look like shit.

I don't want to be this weight.

I can change this weight.

I have lost this weight before, enough to get from here to a reasonable approximation of my former slinky self!

Those are the facts. Are they more powerful than pizza and wine and ice-cream and chocolate? None of those things have tasted so good to me lately; I feel I'm not feeding the physical but the mental cravings, or echos of cravings. It's a memory of needing comfort and finding it in food.

I want to come in this morning and cross day one off my calender, the one that shows where I'll be in 31 days. It's immensely cool to think that I can change my life in that time.

I'm going to start with my wardrobe, because some part of me is torn between the size I was the size I will be, and it's time to make that decision. I want to get a bag of things that would not be worn by my more stylish friends and get rid of those things, banish them. The last two weeks I've been asking myself: 'what would the greek girls do?' and the answers are usually very clear. Pride in appearance, care of self.

It's in the details, stupid.

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