It's a funny idea to me that anyone might read this, but I suppose I have often followed odd websites and I have rarely if ever left a message behind me. If anyone does follow these random ramblings, then my apologies, but this journal will be kept private for the foreseeable future while I deal with things that I would sooner deal with quietly. :
Yes! Was going to ask you the same thing :) I know exactly what you mean about the NHS. And I just hate the idea of a doctor looking at your file and thinking "Aaah, an eating disorder!" Even if it's ten years ago. Twenty years ago. It's on your records 'til the day you DIE. It doesn't reflect the times when you were well, the times when you were healthy. I hate how it defines you.
Anyways, lemme know how it goes with your counselling... I rang this place near where I live today (W14) and they do counselling after work for £40... I have to admit, I do think it's quite a lot of money. It makes it worse knowing that essentially these people exist to catch people like me who are too scared to go via the NHS. But on the other hand, what is money when it comes down to your health, you know? I know if I asked my friends outside my ED if £40 was too expensive and every single one of them would tell me I'm being ridiculous and go for the bloody treatment. Still, I have some time to think about it - 'til I get paid anyway. I just wonder if they can tell me something I don't already know...
I'm thinking of the money in terms of.....how much have I spent in the last 2 years on binge food? Sedating myself and then throwing it (literally) down the toilet? Definitely enough to pay for councelling every week. Possibly enough to buy my own frickin' councellor! I think the issue is more about finding someone good, someone you can talk to honestly and get something out of.
If I manage to get through this year and keep my job (!?), I'm in a career where people do ask to see doctor's records. I would not want to show them a history of fucked up eating and mental problems. It's at odds with the polished professional look, you know :D
I see. Added enforcement not to go via NHS.
To be honest, I'm really shocked at the low level of help in the UK for people with eating disorders. There is NO 24-hour helpline, and councelling is patchy at best.
I'm hopefully going to get a call from my potential councellor tomorrow. Eek! I just don't want her to be patronising. I patronise myself. I mean, 22, female, with an ED? How fucking stereotypical can you get, y'know? And I'm a goth too! The shame. Thank god I don't have the cutting thing or else I might as well just... just... Go to my room and cry!
Oh wow! I really hope you get someone good. Wouldn't it be amazing to get whole parts of your life back? (Remembers having whole parts of her life, wistfully)
Yeah, I kinda want to do the depression thing (the not having it!) rather than the eating disorder thing, for no reason other than I can get hold of bits of the eating thing myself (I think) under the right circumstances. Also, mortified as all hell that I'm throwing my dinner up at age 26! It does border on the deeply sad when you think about it with a normal person's brain....